If It Was Deserved
by finntucker
Summary: Koujaku has been living with the guilt of murdering numerous clan members along with his own mother for more than a decade. When he finally gets the chance to enact his revenge on the man who was responsible, he decides to erase himself from the world as well. Or, he wanted to. But something stopped him.
1. I'm Noiz

He can't see. There aren't any lights to see by. There is one thing he knows for sure, and it's that he's holding something cold. A liquid runs through his fingers. His hands are shaking. He wonders where the hell he is. The last thing he can remember is pain. Horrible fucking pain. And that face... That man who inflicted it on him. He couldn't stand it and he passed out... Now where is he? His eyes slowly open, and he suddenly is aware of a horrible reality.

Blood.

That's what is on his fingers, his palms, the blade of the katana in his hands. It's what is in the fountain, among the pebbles of the middle garden of the estate. Spattered on his chest, staining his kimono.

Blood.

It's in his mother's hair. Her lovely, soft raven hair is dyed red. He can't breathe. She looks distraught, as if she'd wanted peace, but he'd stolen it from her in cold blood. He'd murdered her. Staring at the blade in his hands, he realizes what he has to do. If he's really killed his mother... There isn't a reason to carry on living. He's a monster. He turns the blade inward towards his stomach...

He can't do it. For whatever reason, he can't do it. He wants to. It's the only fucking thing he wants to do right now and he cannot bring himself to gut himself with the same sword he'd used to kill her. He curses whatever force is preventing him, and slumps to the ground, not knowing what else to do.

Koujaku lowers the blade, staring down at his hands. He's killed again. It doesn't fill him with grief as it had the first time, but it doesn't make him happy, either. Gulping, he turns away from the body. Ryuuhou is finally dead. It's what he's been trying to accomplish for the last fifteen years of his life and he's finally done it, but he's still not happy. He had vowed to himself that if even that, even the fulfillment of his only wish came about, didn't make him happy, he had only one choice left. He turns the bloodied sword over in his hands, taking in a deep breath and turning its aim at himself. He has no more reason to be here. He's left a goodbye message with Aoba and Mizuki, so no one will be left wondering where he's gone. This is it.

A hand shoots out from virtually nowhere, shoving him back and knocking the sword from his hands entirely. No one had entered the alley with him, he made sure he had covered his tracks fine, who had followed him? He looks up, and sees a completely unfamiliar face. His eyes are light green, light enough to be gray. Fair, clear skin accents the silver glint of at least ten piercings that he can see. Messy, blond hair pokes out of a knit cap, and that's when he notices the expression this boy is wearing. He looks angry, almost.

"What the hell are you doing?" This kid demands, holding onto his wrist firmly as if Koujaku had the intent of picking the sword up again.

"Wh- What do you... Who are you?" Koujaku doesn't know what to say. This doesn't make any sense. This is the second time his wishes have been ignored...

"I asked you a question first. I'm expecting an answer."

Koujaku stands stock still, shocked beyond words. He's supposed to tell this kid what he's doing? What business is it of his? He just wants to get this over with, he doesn't have time for this interruption. "Who are you?" he repeats.

"Noiz. I'm here to stop you from killing yourself." The kid states plainly, blinking at him. It doesn't look like his expression changes at all.

"How did you know that I..."

"What other reason does anyone have for pointing a sword at themselves, Koujaku?"

"How did you know my..."

Noiz rolls his eyes and lets go of his wrist, sufficiently confident that Koujaku won't try anything else for now. "Are you doing to ask any more stupid questions, or should I just explain myself?"

Koujaku growls at this, narrowing his eyes at the boy. "Sure," he grunts, looking at the ground now. Anywhere but the body.

"Well, I'd love to have a serious conversation over a dead body in a back alley, but something tells me standing around here isn't going to be safe for much longer." Noiz deadpans, glancing at the corpse between them. "Also, you look like hell. You need a shower, old man."

Koujaku bristles at the insult. Old man? He's not that old. He's only 28 as of this August. That's not old. Crossing his arms over his chest like a child, he huffs at the boy.

"What? Lead the way." Noiz sighs, gesturing towards the end of the alley, exasperated.

At this, Koujaku turns and starts walking at a pretty fast pace, hoping the kid feels like he can't keep up. A thousand questions are passing through his head at once. First of all, who is this kid really? His name is Noiz, obviously, but he still doesn't understand how he knows his name. He draws his kimono tightly around his shoulders so as not to let anyone see the blood dotting his chest. Beni perches on his belt, frowning up at him.

"Koujaku, are you sure we can really trust this prick?" He pipes up, completely audible to Noiz.

For obvious reasons, this pleases Koujaku and he doesn't quiet him. "We shouldn't. He's just a reckless teenager," he scoffs, grinning to himself. Hearing a short grunt behind him, the man unlocks his apartment and enters. Noiz follows behind and doesn't try to stab or attack Koujaku. This somehow disappoints him, because it raises more questions than answers.

"Go shower, you smell like a murder scene." It's almost funny how literally Noiz means this when he says it. Instead of laughing, however, Koujaku shoves at him and walks off to the bathroom.

When he sees himself in the mirror, he can kind of understand where Noiz was coming from. Blood is splattered across his chest, and his tattoos coil back to their original positions when his eyes scan over them, as if frightened. He turns on the water and waits for it to heat up all the way before stripping down and standing under it. The hot water stings his back and he hisses in a breath, letting it wash over him and clean the matted blood out of his hair. It's a long, hot shower, but he manages not to think about anything too serious for the duration.

Noiz is sitting on the couch with Beni clasped tightly in his slender hands when Koujaku exits the bathroom in a pair of sweatpants and his hair out of its usual ponytail. "What are you doing?" he asks, stepping over to stand in front of the couch.

"It wouldn't shut up." Noiz plainly states.

Beni fluffs up his feathers at this, writhing in the boy's grasp. "It?! Rude asshole! I'm not just an object!" he squawks, trying to flap his wings in vain.

Koujaku sighs and sits on the couch. "Calm down, Beni." He turns his gaze onto Noiz. "Let go of him, will you? Holding him like that's only going to make him complain." As he says this, Noiz relents and lets go of the Allmate, who flaps off with a huff to sit on the coffee table. "Now, tell me. Who the hell are you really, and why do you know so much about me?" Leaning back against the cushion, the hairdresser raises a brow at Noiz.

The blond eyes him calmly. "You're so fucking thickheaded. You've known me your whole life, and now I have to explain myself. I'm hurt." The warning glare the old man shoots him tells him that wasn't funny. "I'm your guardian angel," he sighs, "I was assigned to you when you were born, and I've been making sure you don't fuck up ever since."

Koujaku is taken aback to the extent that he wonders if he's dreaming. "I... So you... Know everything. Prove it." His natural reaction is suspicion.

"About a decade ago, give or take a few years, you got a tattoo from Ryuuhou, the man you just killed. It made you lose your senses and you killed your family. Your mother. You tried to kill yourself right there, once you'd realized what you'd done." The boy's expression doesn't change in the slightest while talking about this. "I prevented you."

Koujaku, on the other hand, is shaking and looks as if about to cry. "Why... Why didn't you let me..." His voice is hoarse and he stares at his balled up fists. "I should have died back then, so why..."

"You didn't deserve it."

"I killed my own mother!" The taller suddenly explodes, gripping the edge of the couch and gritting his teeth.

"You didn't deserve it." Noiz repeats calmly, not breaking his cold gaze on the old man. "It wasn't your fault. Tell me something. Did you want that tattoo?" No response. "Did you want to kill her?" Still, nothing. "Would she have wanted you to die?"

At this, Koujaku freezes. Would she? No, of course not. His mother had loved him in the most sincere and true way possible. He shakes his head, defeated. Noiz is right, but it'll never stop haunting him.

"I told you. People fucking care about you." Noiz actually looks... A bit worried, now.

Koujaku only has a moment to wonder about the expression before he remembers something. People who care about him? "Shit," he curses. Aoba and Mizuki. He'd called them just before he'd gone out to find Ryuuhou. He'd told them he was going to die. He digs through his end table's drawer, finding his Coil. The screen is blinking, indicating missed calls. Not just missed calls, but 107 missed calls. Both Mizuki and Aoba have left him over 50 calls each. "I..."

"Call them," Noiz nods, settling back in his cushion more.

Koujaku nods quickly, tapping Aoba's contact and calling him. It doesn't ring for very long.

"Hello? Koujaku?!" Aoba's voice, panicked and shaken.

"Aoba. Aoba, I'm-"

"What the fuck were you thinking?! Calling and leaving a message telling me you're dead?! I've been worried for hours! And just why the fuck would you tell me your house was empty?! Are you home right now?!"

Koujaku frowns. "Yes," he admits.

"Don't- You- You can't do that to me! Or Mizuki! He's beside himself! Are you calling him after this?! You'd better be- I'm coming over. I'm going to finish maintenance on Ren and I'll be over." After this hasty remark, the boy hangs up and Koujaku is left stuttering.

"Great. How the fuck am I going to explain who you are?" The hairdresser exhales, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. Not wanting Aoba to become aware of his tattoos, Koujaku grabs a shirt from his dresser and tugs it on. Upon returning, he finds Noiz watching him. "What."

"You didn't let me answer your question. Just tell him I'm your guardian angel." Calm as ever.

Koujaku narrows his eyes. "Sure. Sounds great," he snaps, plopping himself back down on the couch.

"Just a suggestion, old man." Noiz shrugs, then blinks at him. "He won't be able to see me. Usually you're not even supposed to see me. But, you're the only one who has the ability to. He won't hear me, either."

"But I will."

"Obviously."

"I'll look crazy." Koujaku states, frowning. "I can't be talking to myself in front of Aoba."

Noiz leans back in fake offense and places a hand to his chest. "Ouch. You think, no, assume that I won't behave myself and stay quiet? I thought we understood each other better than that, old man."

"I get it, I get it. Christ." Koujaku groans, covering his eyes with a scarred hand. A few seconds of silence pass before there's a knock at the door. Koujaku stands reluctantly and answers it, expecting the reaction he gets.

Both Mizuki and Aoba are there, wearing matching expressions of relief and slight anger. "Koujaku!" Is the first thing Aoba cries out, lunging and clinging onto the man tightly. Mizuki stands back before giving him a one-armed embrace as well.

"Idiot, Aoba and I thought you were dead. Like, actually dead." The dark-skinned man grunts, looking a lot more worried than he sounds when he says it.

Koujaku can only keep his eyes on the ground at this point. He feels like a complete asshole. These are his best friends on the planet, and he fucking... He sighs, just holding Aoba close to him. "I'm alright..."

"Yeah, he's just got a broken hip, is all."

Koujaku's skin prickles. That was Noiz's voice. The promise of 'behaving himself and staying quiet' apparently went out the window the fucking second these two walked in. He can't react to it, though, or he'll look like a complete freak. Instead, he carefully pries the blue-haired man off of him and smiles weakly at the two of them. "Are you guys hungry? Did you want to stay and hang out?" He asks, ignoring the laugh that sounds behind him.

Without hesitation, Aoba nods and walks into the room, plopping down onto the couch. And, consequently, onto Noiz. Koujaku watches Aoba get all comfortable right there on the boy's lap unknowingly. The angel is bright red and seems to have shut up for now. He stares at his lap full of adorable delivery boy and from what Koujaku can see, he gulps.

Koujaku has to try not to laugh. It looks ridiculous. Mizuki heads to the kitchen, probably for drinks of some kind. He'll probably get drunk, and Aoba will be all over him all night, and all over Noiz without knowing it.

He has a feeling he's in for an experience to say the least.


	2. Pizza

As Koujaku expected, it's halfway through the night and Mizuki is drunk as all hell. He slurs and laughs and hangs all over the men next to him. The hairdresser himself is only a little buzzed, but it's distracting him from thinking about the previous events, so he can't complain. Plus, Mizuki is a funny drunk. "Jussayin'... Seems like you two are gonna... Hav' some trouble gettin' married." The tattoo artist grins, directing his question at Aoba. The current topic was the relationship the blue-haired man was sharing with Clear, who everyone had recently learned was actually a fucking cyborg. Whatever made Aoba happy, Koujaku guessed.

"L-Look, we haven't talked about marriage! It's only been three months!" Aoba is flustered as all hell, and refuses to look at either of them. Noiz, still being used as a chair, fell asleep a long time ago. Why he refused to move, Koujaku doesn't understand. "And just why would we have any trouble?"

"I dunno, maybe b'cause he's a robot?" Mizuki is hiccuping all over the place.

Aoba just makes a face and huffs, turning away. Koujaku glances at the clock, nervous. "Guys, it's... Getting kind of late. Aoba, maybe you should take Mizuki home, he doesn't seem well enough to get there himself," he suggests, smiling weakly at his childhood friend.

The younger man nods and sighs. "Sorry about him... I guess he was trying to calm his nerves," he theorizes, shrugging a little. He stands and walks over to Mizuki, hoisting him up under his armpits and lifting him the best he can. The hairdresser stands as well, ready to help. Aoba then turns his gaze on Koujaku, eyes serious. "Call me if anything else like that happens. Call me," he repeats the instruction for emphasis, lips tightening into a frown. Koujaku nods, looking guilty as fuck again. He's about to apologize for the umpteenth time before Aoba reaches up and ruffles his hair. "I'm glad you're alive."

With that, the two of them stumble out of the apartment with some effort. Koujaku is left with a lump in his throat and the guilt of the highest degree. Behind him, his guardian angel stirs and rubs at his eyes, blinking sleep out of them. He doesn't react, only sits back down and rubs at his face with his hands.

"You're upset."

Koujaku frowns, shaking his head a little. "I'm fine, I just... Can't believe I did that to them," he mutters, staring at the ground.

"Now do you see how stupid it would have been? You're fine." Noiz yawns, stretching out and sighing. "That was boring, though."

"Yeah?" Koujaku looks over at him, a smirk dancing on his lips. "You seemed to enjoy having Aoba in your lap all night," he snickers.

At this, the angel goes bright red again. "Look, I didn't know he was going to sit on me. I'm not interested anyway," he dismisses the idea, setting his eyes on Koujaku. "I'm only interested in you."

Now it's the older man's turn to light up like a christmas tree. "Wh-What?! What the hell is that even supposed to mean?" He protests, shoving at Noiz, who just laughs under his breath.

As if this were plain fact, common knowledge, Noiz states, "I'm in love with you."

Koujaku sputters for a moment before shoving at him again. "You're just being a fucking moron," he growls, embarrassed by how obvious his red face and ears must be.

Noiz doesn't actually answer that. He just laughs again, which infuriates the older man. He gives up, though, figuring he was right. The angel was joking around. He suddenly feels very, very tired, like the shock of murdering someone and finding an actual angel have finally caught up with him. He curls up on his side on the couch, paying no mind to the fact that this plants his head in Noiz's lap. It's warm there, anyway. He doesn't even mind it when the angel starts petting through his hair softly.

The morning brings a terrible headache and the smell of... Pizza? Yeah, that's pizza. Why in the hell... He grunts and sits up, realizing that where Noiz's lap was before, a pillow has been placed. Looking around, he spots the boy. He's hunched over in front of Koujaku's television, one of the video games Aoba had bought for him on the screen. Next to him is an open box of pizza, which appears to be half-eaten. Koujaku sighs. "The hell do you think you're doing?"

"Playing a videogame," he responds quickly, not startled at all by the sudden voice. He doesn't even turn to look at his human.

"That's obvious." Koujaku responds, huffing. "Where did you get that pizza?"

"I ordered it."

"With what money?" Narrowing his eyes, the older man stands and walks closer to him.

"Mine," he deadpans.

Koujaku just sighs again. "Right," he exhales, shaking his head a little. He doesn't understand, but then again, there's nothing he does understand about the kid. He just shrugs and walks into his kitchen, starting to brew himself some coffee. Finally awake and calm enough, he reflects on the events of last night. He actually killed Ryuuhou. That fact hasn't hit him yet. However, the discovery of his damned guardian angel is slapping himself in the face at the moment. Noiz is why he's alive, why he couldn't kill himself either time. All because he didn't deserve it? It's been over a decade. He's more than sure he deserved it. However, Noiz seems so damn adamant about letting him know he didn't. Confusing.

He hates having more questions than answers, he thinks, pouring himself a cup of coffee. He glances through the open door at Noiz, who is still focused entirely on the game in front of him. What a strange kid. Besides the fact that he isn't human. "Quit looking at me like that." Noiz huffs, without an indication he can even see him.

Koujaku realizes that he's been staring at him for about half a minute and blinks quickly, looking away. "Sorry," he gulps, walking back into the living room with him and sitting on the couch with his mug.

"Yeah, yeah, old man. We both know it's because I'm so attractive."

The hairdresser huffs irritatedly in response and rolls his eyes. Noiz had said he was with him his whole life, but he acts like a child. He wonders why. And as he wonders, his eyes linger on the back of his head. Damn it, Koujaku, cut it out. He's your guardian angel, not a stupid love interest.

About five minutes pass before the credits are rolling on the screen and Noiz is setting down the controller and going straight for some more pizza. "You finished the game already?" Koujaku asks incredulously, raising a brow. He got the game a decently long time ago, and found it pretty difficult to beat.

"Yep." Noiz responds through a mouthful of the greasy stuff. "It wasn't even that hard."

Koujaku scoffs. "There's no way." He's slowly realizing that this kid challenges his pride, and it annoys the fuck out of him in all honesty.

"Those are the credits, aren't they?" Noiz swallows the chunk of pizza he's chewing on and looks over at him finally. "Y'know what I said last night wasn't a joke. About being interested in only you," he says plainly, making direct eye contact that forces the hairdresser to look away.

"I… What?" He takes a nervous sip of his coffee and continues avoiding his gaze. Calm down, he might just be kidding with you again. He's a young guy, right? Jokes are common among peers of his age… Right?

"I'm in love with you." Noiz doesn't miss a beat. He doesn't even hesitate. The same thing as last night. He must actually mean it. But, how? What? "I've been in love with you for a while now." He's playing with his fingers. He actually looks like this is awkward for him for a moment, but he regains his stoic appearance in no time.

Koujaku is bright red. He knows his fucking burning up right now, but he can't think of anything to say. "Okay." Well, except for that genius piece of work. Great job.

"Okay." Noiz echoes. "Oh, Koujaku-san~, you're such a man~!" The mocking voice of one of his female "fans", he guesses. It only causes him to pick up the nearest pillow and bring it down swiftly onto the angel's head.

There's a lot of useless courting that happens in the following weeks. It starts out with glances across the breakfast table, and leads to holding hands around the house for virtually no reason. Cuddling comes next, but never anything too intimate. Lying in each other's laps, Koujaku wrapping himself around Noiz as he plays video games, that kind of thing. The older man is only slightly aware that he's falling hard for the kid over time.

One night stands out, though. They're laying next to each other in bed as always, backs facing each other. Like always. This time, however, some time into the night Noiz is tapping on the man's shoulder. "Koujaku," he breathes, and continues tapping him until his human has turned over to face him. "I love you." He traces his fingers along the contours of his face, outlining his tattoo perfectly.

Koujaku mumbles something like a question, but it comes out intelligible and Noiz ignores it. The older man blinks at him in the dark, and the moonlight only really reveals his eyes to him. They're very green. Very green and… He falls back asleep. He doesn't even have time to realize that Noiz was in fact crying.

The first time Koujaku kisses Noiz, it's over a fucking pizza. The kid's a pretty messy eater, and so when he notices the sauce on his cheek, he goes in for the generic romcom trope of licking it off for him. Noiz doesn't seem shocked at all. When the older man pulls back, he's suddenly very close to the angel. Close enough that he can feel his breath on his lips. He… Smells like pizza. Fuck it. He leans in and presses their lips together slowly. He hears Noiz gasp and move back a bit, but as if correcting himself, he tugs him forward again and closes the gap.

Bam. That's it. Koujaku has officially fallen for this fucking brat of a kid, who also happens to be a motherfucking angel. He moves his lips with the boy, reaching up to run a hand through the back of his hair. It's over too soon when Noiz pulls back. "The position we're in is stupid as fuck. There's a cheese pizza between us," he grunts, and for the first time since he's met him Koujaku sees a blush rise on his cheeks.

"Oh my fucking god, you just ruined the moment. I should kick you out." Koujaku grins, elbowing him in the ribs. Noiz smiles a little too, and the hairdresser can swear he looks… Sad almost. "Is everything okay?"

"You're in love with me… That's the last offense they're going to allow me." Noiz exhales, looking away from him. The sudden emotion from him is very jarring to the older man. Very jarring. Wait. Offense?

"What do you mean?"

"I was already breaking a rule by being in love with you. Then, I showed myself to you. And now, you've fallen in love with me. Three strikes, I'm out, old man," he smiles weakly at him, and gulps audibly.

"Out? Noiz, please. What do you mean?"

"They're going to wipe my memory. Make me mortal. If I'm not willing to follow the rules, I must be willing to pay for the consequences and all that."

Koujaku feels numb. He's not sure he can accept that. "Will I remember?" He looks desperate.

"Yeah, that is if you can find me. And I want you to try to. Please. I love you, but… You'll need to jog my memory. A lot." He raises a hand to Koujaku's cheek, looking very serious. "Koujaku. Please."

The hairdresser is horrified to find that his face is the last thing to disappear right in front of his eyes. He breathes out a shaky sigh. "...I promise."


End file.
